Thoughts from the store cupbord

As another ten and a half hour shift dawns I resume my usual position. Lurking in a small cupboard, peering from behind a curtain like the neighbourhood paedo. Wedged between a coffee machine and dishwasher that hate me; they constantly hiss, spit, and poke at me, like toddlers with boredom. I count down the 630 minutes I will spend with a smile varnished to my face.

So this is what I can offer you today, sat on an upturned ice bucket, in my finest uniform; an angry iron crease disguised under a yellowed apron. Just like my service…a simple no frills blog. Apologies to those of you who may miss my pictures, I will find some extra witty ones next time.

My thought today then turns to summer, making a triumphant return. Today it has charged into Chester all guns blazing, hidden under the Trojan Horse of bad weather that has plagued us this week. Warm rays bake down on my platinum blonde hair, and reveal dirty brassy tones of Ron Weasley. My hair cries dye me! My bank baalance cries no. A few more weeks and Ron can be replaced by Draco.

The benefit of this new burst of summer? Moods are lifted,and the bright light reveals perhaps my favourite part…the decimation of the wasp population. Like a child with a magnifying glass, I take great joy in watching them writhe in pain on the pavement. The cold snap has taken these mighty predators of the sky, and turned them into mere shadows of their former selves. I stop each time I see one, hence why my walk to work takes so much longer these days.I’m sure they will exact their revenge and sting me next summer, watching as my allergy swells me up like a giant pink balloon.

I must admit this weather has people confused; chavs unsure what to wear. Their pristine white summer tracksuit has been put away for winter, so they are stuck baking in black. I saw some sweating as they rode through town on their bikes; gathering together, they resemble a troop of young funeral attendees. Hoods up like a reverse Ku Klux Klan. The confusion has spread to nature: flowers pop in and out of their little houses, not sure if they’re meant to be dead or alive. Hedgehogs don’t know if they are meant to be on heat or in hibernation. After the monsoon related bank holiday weekend it is nice to have some summer back.

With thoughts of the seaside, ice creams, and strolls on Brighton Pier in my head I muddle through work. As I started my workmate invited me in, and like a doctor, offered me a seat on the upturned bucket. We skulk and hide, ever wary of the manager’s footsteps. Don’t work too hard evveryone.


Cider, sun, fun

I start this blog with a tribute to CACTUS JACK’S (£5.99 from my local shop)a quite ingenious schnapps sure to tickle the tastebuds. In my opinion any drink with the word cactus in the title has to be worth a sip; so I suggest to you loyal reader, indulge in some on a warm summers eve, you are sure to gain some looks as you down bright red liquid and pull a face like you have sat on a cactus itself.

As Tuesday draws to a close, so does the glimpse of summer that fell upon Leeds. Back to layers, sweaters, and woolly cardigans for me to protect my frozen bones. However since my last blog it has been fun and frolics. I start with Sunday…… I decided to stick to my plan of getting drunk in Hyde Park, however felt doing it alone was verging on alcoholism; so I called upon the services of my good friend Jordan. Before I knew it the shorts were on, the sleeves were off, and the cider was chilled.I flung my still damp towel into my bag and leapt out into the sun, letting it toast my pale skin red.(my towel this week has served as both beach mat and bathing assitant, but as of yet still lacks the ability to dry itself) The massing crowds of Hyde Park were calling to us, and I felt a small tingle as we climbed the hill to our destination, the tingle, that summer was here! A wave of nostalgia came over me, remembering when me, my brother, and my sister would sit out on the lawn  under the patio umbrella we had pulled down, and read Goosebumps books; it has been so long since I have read a book, I now fear Goosebumps may be above my reading level. But I digress…..

There is something about us Brits, as soon as the sun creaks through the clouds we fly into a frenzy, desperately grasping at every inch of sun we can find. I’ve seen you, moving the lounger around throughout the day until you end up confined to a small corner of the garden, surrounded in shadow. However I am not one of these sun worshippers, I am there for the ambience, very little beats drinking a cider black in Hyde Park,surrounded by students, and good weather. I stuck to the bitter end, even when the masses began to leave, and theclouds took over I stood my ground; the i-pod and alcohol would keep me warm.

Refer back to my last post, I mentioned the dreaded Park Patrol, well on Sunday they reared their fearsome head once more. As soon as the small whisps of a barbeque went up,the low rumble of a golf buggy could be heard, roaring over the horizon they came, water pump clutched tight in their hands. Just like the clouds they seemed destined to ruin a lovely day, the power had clearly gone to their head. I couldn’t help but laugh as a group of girls downheartedly hung their heads in shame, forced to eat half cooked meat, ended before its time; the park patrol let out a smirk, pissing all over their parade with the mighty water pump.

The evening brought pizza, coleslaw and the dreaded CACTUS JACK’S, the latter causing me to spill the first two all over myself. A rather perculiar evening, washed down with the film Music and Lyrics, the kind of lovefest I would usually hate:

Hugh Grant plays a washed up popstar who falls in love with the woman who waters his plants (Drew Barrymore), he writes a love song for a trendy Gaga-esque singer, but ultimately chooses Drew over saving his career (BLERGH)

That was exaclty what I thought, but in my drunken state didn’t realise I had seen it before and quite enjoyed it. Annoyingly I found the songs firmly stuck in my head, forcing me to hum them in the shower, so  I thought I would share that annoyance with you lovely people.

For those more sentimental among you

The past few days have set me well on my way to obesity, this morning’s breakfast saw me once again reaching for the easter supplies. A well balanced breakfast of chocolate shell and mini eggs to start the day; how proud my mother would be. To top this I have already had not one, but two meals out; I am fast becoming lad who lunches. I put on my scavenging hat and scrawled the internet for a half price bonanza. Monday was the treats of the Slug and Lettuce mezzee platter, whisking myself to Spain or somewhere with every bite of the fried stuffed peppers. Unfortunately my usual Slug and Lettuce crowd weren’t there so a game of “spin the rib” wasn’t on the cards. The rules are quite simple, spin the bottle, with no actual kissing, a giant empty food platter, and a half chewed BBQ rib; the end result is general stupidity, and bones flying off the table.

Today I went all french with a chicken, cranberry, and camembert burger, from the Gourmet Burger Kitchen. Being fruitful students, this is normally the haunt of our course nights out; who can argue with two burgers and fries for £10. It looked strangely sparce without 30 journalists taking up the floor space and fighting over whose burger was whose. I also didn’t have to ram chips down my throat as I wasn’t sharing with Francine, we are fiercely competative over who has eaten the most chips, forcing us to eat them in one go!  But the belly busting didn’t end there, the lure of Millies Cookies was too strong, the offer of 12 cookies for the price of 6 was too much to handle, causing a foodgasm is my mouth.

Jordan Cockcroft won’t be staying again, as I have decided he has a bad influence on my waistline…..

This brings me bang up to date with now, spread eagled on my bed, jeans undone, stomach spilling out,and moaning in agony. The food in my fridge is calling to be eaten before it pops its clogs, but I think a simple dinner of a plum, and some milk is in order. I will sit with my healty dinner, and watch celebrities dine on a gingerbread house in Heston’s Fairytale Feast, perhaps their gluttony will make me feel better about mine.

What time is it? Tooth Hurty

I will start this post with my dream last night. Recurring, which is making me rather worried; atleast once a week I have a dream that either my teeth fall out, or I grind them down. I read online that dreams about  teeth can symbolise worries about appearance, money, and lack of power….. I think I will stick with the theory it is because I haven’t visited the dentist in a while. Perhaps a trip is needed; however have you seen the prices? I am only a poor student, not able to afford the £28 my local dentist charges for a checkup, as she zooms around in her pimped out Land Rover; so for the moment looks like hard brushing and nightmares of wobbly teeth.

On a lighter note, Mr. Sunshine has blessed Leeds and all who reside here. On my way to gym I smiled at the various people sprawled like cats on flat roofs, sunning themselves  a golden brown. Hyde Park was surprisingly busy, I hadn’t realised so many students were around at the moment, making the most of the weather, clumped in groups, clutching cans of beer. All of this as the ‘Park Patrol’ stalked around the grass, something more intimidating that a golf buggy with ‘Park Patrol’ written on it might command more authority. I also feel sorry for the trees, almost every one stabbed with a sign stating:



A small group took this to the extreme and I saw they had set up camp on the edge, just outside of the park to have their barbeque….. STICK IT TO THE MAN!

The tune of  ‘Captown Races’ has lingered in the air all day, churned out by the ice cream van, proof that you are never too old for a Mr.Whippy on a summer’s day. On the way back through the park the queue was phenominal,lined up were those clammering for something cold to lick inbetween sips of their beer. I have decided this could be a new money making scheme, I could monopolise the Hyde Park ice cream industry. I saw this Garfield ice cream van on ebay, just a snip at £3,100  which inclued £200 worth of stock, and a 6 lid freezer; before I know it I could be off on my rounds. Recently two men in Leeds converted an old ice cream van into a mobile bar “Mr. Frothy”…….genius!

So after a day of money making ideas and shedding pounds of water in the gym I am looking forward to kicking back. I am not sure if I can handle more wooden acting from the Harry Potter cast, but Doctor Who is top of the menu, maybe he can give an insight into my tooth troubles. Tomorrow if the weather is nice I will go patrol my ice cream patch, and maybe even indulge in frosty cider. Any takers?

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