Fangs for reading


Lying in darkness, arms across my chest, curtains closed,hiding from the sun outside. My metamorphosis into vampire is complete,  I can’t even remember the last time I ate a loaf of garlic bread. So shut in from the outside world, and looking for a distraction, I decide to write about the phenomenom of ‘the fanged ones’ (prepare for a lot of pictures of mouths). The Dracula of days gone by, would turn in his crypt at the sight of a high cheek boned Robert Pattinson; Dracula was happy hiding in his crumbling castle, not leaping from tree to tree, or shopping at Dolce and Gabbanna. The modern vampire can be found surfing the internet, or sipping back a blood latte in Starbucks. The high collared cape has been done away with, in favour of  a cut-off leather jacket; the typical bald head, replaced with an elvis-eque quif, plastered in hair wax. Their fangs are no longer sharp and pointy, hidden behind a pair of braces, and worn down by all the coke they drink. To compare the vampires of modern society to ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ is like comparing chalk to cheese. So where did it all go wrong? When did vampires go from the stuff of nightmares, to a teenage girl’s wet dream?

The blame lies with you Stephanie Meyer; vampires are supposed to suck blood, not suck each other’s faces off. Secondly Twilight is the only ever instance when you have seen a vampire sparkle. I miss the rugged,wrinkle faced, rubber masked vampires of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. Sarah Michelle Gellar was a massive childhood crush, we even had a dog named after her. Sitting down on a weekday evening with my brother and sister we would watch: ‘Simpsons’, ‘Robot Wars’ , then ‘Buffy’. After watching each episode we would screw up our faces and burst into the lounge hissing at our mum (we were an off family). But looking back, it is shocking how much sex and violence they got away with on BBC 2, all before 7.30.  Still the violence in Buffy is not a patch on the ‘Friends’ alternative of ‘Buffay the Vampire Layer:’ “Buffay are you going to plunge your steak into my dark places?”

Little bit of Wikipedia information for you, Count Dracula is based on Vlad the Impaler, sometimes called Dracul, he would impale his victims; and so was born ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’, a book I had to study for GCSE English .Our teacher was somewhat of a sexual deviant; she would sit on the table in knee high boots and tell us about all the sexual references in Dracula. The way the women handle a steak represents their penis envy; how the biting of a neck, and flow of blood represents a man penetrating a virgin. We had great fun going around the playground spreading these scandalous rumours like they were soft porn. Despite writing an essay on it, I never actually finished the book; in class I would read a page under the table, pay attention for two minutes, then read some more. My teacher would take the book off me and put it on her desk, luckily there was a large pile of them on the window sill, which I soon made light work of. Finding a good quote, or getting the gist of the storyline I wove it into an essay, which to this date is one of the best I’ve ever done.

When you look at vampires in popular culture it is hardly surprising no-one finds them scary. Here is a list of some of the least scary vampires you will ever come across:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Count Chocula– Anyone who advertises children’s cereal is about as scary as the cocopop monkey. Also, all that sugar would rot his fangs.

Grandpa from The Munsters– The Santa Clause of Halloween. A jolly old man, who needs to get his dentures out before he can bite you.

The Count from Sesame Street– He would rather count bats and sing songs before attacking you…enough said.

Hollywood can still give the odd scare. The film ‘Let the Right One In,‘ and remake ‘Let Me In.’ have the power to make vampires great again. A creepy girl vampire who becomes your best friend, then goes around chomping down on people who bully you…who wouldn’t want that? Lets get back to the days where vampires genuinely scared you, nowadays anyone can write a vampire novel. According to family sources my uncle in New Zealand is writing his own vampire story, whether or not it will be a best seller remains to be seen. T.V. is saturated with bright eyed homoerotic vampires from ‘True Blood,’ or ‘Vampire Diaries,’ two shows that I avoid with a barge pole; as I once read: “Edward Cullen is not a vampire, he is a fairy.” In a fight between Edward Cullen and Count Chocula, my vote goes to ‘The Count.’I still like vampires; I like those little pink/white fangs you get at the cinema, and I like fizzy fangs from Sainsburys. I like Buffy, and  I will watch Count from Sesame Street for a bit of nostalgia, I even occasionally watch Countdown. But, the only current vampires I like on T.V. are Vampire Weekend; so I leave you with them, and wish you good luck, don’t have nightmares…….Mwuhaha.

 

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