Stick em’ the V’s


Like ‘The Great War’ it has been building, slowly rumbling away for weeks now. The Nazi regime litter our airwaves with propaganda, shop windows littered with posters, eyes filled with images of “cuddly wuddly teddy bears.” V-Day is upon us!!!
The streets of Leeds are barely recognisable under a blanket of reds and pinks, the sickly smell of flowers drifts towards you as you are bombarded with offers for your loved one. The window of Thornton’s is stacked with chocolate bears, ready to over the trenches and into battle; they wear the emblem ‘I Wuv U,’ branded onto their chest, their uniform of war.Soon it will begin, a great bloodbath, their heads bitten off, insides spilling out as their remains are tossed in the bin. The great bear massacre of 2011 will not be forgotten. Spare a thought for the teddies and bunnies, the true victims of V-Day.

In case you cannot tell, I am clearly on the bandwagon of those who despise the day of St.Valentine. It is a day crafted by the mass corporations upstairs (I’m looking at you Clinton Cards!) In the end it makes the lonely feel lonelier, and the loved feel penniless. In my 21 years I have had one real Valentines, and that was last year….I spent it sat in bed, and we ate Pizza Hut Delivery. For me that was fine, with nothing else to go up against that makes it my best Valentine’s ever; quite sad really when you think about it! But for those poor souls who endure this every year it can only be described as bank account rape. Restaurant Maitre D’s eagerly stand in their windows, nose pressed against the glass; they await the poor couples desperately looking for somewhere to eat. Ushered inside your coats are ripped from you, you are shoved to a table, then before you know it you hear the pop of champagne and your glass is filled. As your mind still tries to come to terms with the whirlwind that just happened you take a glance at the menu…..Valentine’s special= £££. With it being Valentine’s you are forced to inhale your food at breakneck speed, so the next doomed couple can be churned it;  40 minutes later you are tossed back onto the street several dollar lighter and wishing oh so much that you were single!

For us Valentine Scrooges we attempt to avoid the day all together, that is exactly what me and my band of ‘The Lonely Hearts Club’ are doing. Hiding away like hermits, forced Valentine hibernation until it is gone for another year. Our novel idea (oddly thought of by someone in a relationship) is to host a Murder Mystery Party. We will be transported back to 1925, to a time where men were men, women were women, and Clinton’s didn’t exist (according to Wikipedia it was founded in 1968). Im not quite sure how it works, but you are all given a character, have to adopt their persona for the evening, and solve a murder. I will be putting my thespian skills into good use, and get royally drunk in the process. Tonight Matthew I will be playing  Mustapha M’Stach- perhaps in reference to my failed attempt to grow one for Movember:

Beyond the fact that you are from the Middle East and that you are in some vague way connected to racing, no one know anything about you. Being a man of mystery at a time of murder is a very suspicious thing….’

Being as sad as I am, I have been working on a costume, borrowed a Fez, and decided my character is from Morocco. I even went one step further and learnt some Moroccan phrases, admittedly I abandoned this idea early on and just started doing a pretty offensive Moroccan accent. My one job for the party was to create a playlist of 1920’s music, have I done it? Have I heck! Mustapha doesn’t play by the rules

Now for something completely different, I came across several Valentine cards of Lazy Oaf ( a truly magical cave of wonderment). If my Valentine reads this, it is never too late:

I know the odds are against me, but my idea for next year is to find a Valentine, then send them a cow’s heart in the post. Why I hear you ask? My reasoning is two-fold..Who would want a silly paper heart when you can have the real thing? It shows I care, and you can make a meal out of it! Whilst I spend my evening quaffing cocktails and offending the Moroccans I hope you all have a reasonable Valentine’s. Drink lots, be merry, go out and procreate. I will leave you with my Anti-Valentine tune of this year ‘The Vaccines- Post breakup sex.’

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