The Gas man cometh


Time flies when you’re working your arse off; it is hard to believe that the days of June are already melting into July, and I feel like my summer is wasting away. For those of you who don’t know I have been recruited to the Sainsbury’s Produce Mafia, an elite team of men and women who bring fresh fruit and veg to your shelves, then cover up the empty spaces when there is none in the back. However my duties don’t end there… I spend my days directing lazy people to items they could quite easily find; the pure idiocy of customers really does amaze me, in the past week two people have asked me where the ice is kept. Hiding the venom about to spew from my mouth I must then drag them right to other side of the store to the freezers, then angrily jab a finger at the location where the ice is kept. One woman who asked me exclaimed “Well, this is further away that I thought,” I had to bite my tongue to stop myself shouting “YES..WELL ICE IS NORMALLY KEPT IN FREEZERS, NOT FRUIT AND VEG CHILLERS!” Yesterday a customer tried to ask me for flax……. confused I gave her a glazed look and thought she was looking for flex, for a plug; Fact of the day: She then went on to boringly explain that flax is a kind of ground corn for your cereal.  I am half way through my second week of an 8 week stint here on produce; Stu has already said he has my back if any of the staff give me any hassle, and I feel accepted into the ‘family,’ I have become a master of precariously placed produce. By day I balance Peppers, by night I crush boxes.

The title of my blog does in fact refer to one of my colleagues ‘Joe.’ Apparently he was put onto produce because he was removed from ‘Beers, Wines, and Spirits’ for being too dangerous. It is far to easy to get ahead of yourself, swinging the dollies around and going at excessive speed around the shop floor; I even find myself making the odd vroom vroom noise, or imagining what it would be like to plow into some of the customers. You would expect that if you saw a massive dolly full of potatoes towering over you, you would get out of the way? However most seem to speed up towards you, stubbornly refuse to move, or park their trolley at an awkward angle blocking my path like Gandalf. The result of these customers has lead me to twice run over my foot with a full dolly of potatoes, then limp around the store like a pirate for half an hour. Any way back to Joe…… one of my new produce friends asked if I had heard ‘The Gas Story’ yet, “No,” I replied with intrigue. According to legend Joe had an argument with ‘British Gas’ many years ago over an unpaid bill, adamantly Joe declares that he hadn’t used that gas so wouldn’t be paying, the result? For the past how ever many years ‘British Gas’ has cut off Joe’s gas supply and he has been living off canister gas; however, my favourite part of the story is the amount of compensation Joe has figured out he is entitled to. Due to the cost of gas, inflation, more inflation, general inconvenience, the figure is in the region of £1.2 million pounds; the best bit is he refuses to get a lawyer for this case, because they are too expensive.

In just under 2 weeks I will be sunning myself on the beautiful Croatian coastline, any country with a goat in the national flag suits me just fine, it is just a shame you can’t pick your company; a week in the sweltering heat with my brother and sister will definitely lead to blood-shed, or me hurling one of them over the balcony. But I can’t complain, a free holiday is a free holiday, all I need to do is rustle up some spends from the ever depleting overdraft; I won’t get paid from Sainsburys until the middle of my holiday. Fan-bloody-tastic! All people keep telling me is how hot it is going to be, and how much I am going to burn; I burn here on an average day, so Croatia may well be the death of me. As I count the days away I realise 2 weeks is nowhere near long enough to slim down to fit into my Mankini, the gym and pool seem a distant memory; I have conned myself into thinking hurling potatoes onto a high shelf is a replacement. All Mankinis aside I wear something more suitable, a long pair of shorts that leave my thighs a milky white; however my Dad’s swimwear leaves little to the imagination. I have horrific flashbacks to childhood holidays with him strutting down the beach in turquoise and pink  Speedos; I joked with him about this the other day, but he replied that they were packed and ready for action on the Croatian shore. I will be placing my towel on a different beach so not to associate, or find a nice normal family that can adopt me for a while. Me and my Dad’s girlfriend Jane decided we will find bars, and spend our days there. Perhaps I can’t fit into my Mankini due to the amount of cocktails I have consumed recently; I just can’t resist an ice cold Mojito, that is until you inhale a piece of mint.

Well today is one of my few days off, I am resting my sore feet, soaking my ruined hands, and generally complaining, trawling through YouTube looking for random amusement. I have developed an obsession with Acapella, I definitely want to include it in mine and Francine’s radio show. I found this on YouTube, if you know the Zelda games you will like this, if you are not a nerd then I apologise:

Although the weather is beautiful I am hobbited away inside, curtains closed like a shut in. I have a craving for both pink lemonade, and X-Men 2, so will spend the afternoon enjoying both in my Pyjamas.Keep enjoying Summer everyone.

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