Summer Lovin

The sun is here, the shorts are on, and my tan is red; this can mean only one thing, I am officially announcing the start of summer. A long stretch of work is ahead of me, but this is needed to pay off my ever mounting debts! Sadly at the moment it appears that I am hemorrhaging money left right and centre, my jaw nearly dropped at the massive increase of my gym membership since easter, but I would rather pay that than start to look like Peter Griffin. Slowly I am getting back into the daily routine of gym and swim in the evenings. I half-arsedly potter around the gym for half an hour under the pretence that going for a swim will make up for this; I then slip into something more revealing and take a plunge with a mix of the elderly, and swim freak fanatics. The downside of the pool is the way it makes me look like some kind of extra in a z-list zombie film. I stagger home, sore from the gym: tousle haired and red eyed, a gaseous cloud of chlorine following me. It takes at least two days to get rid of the smell, which is quite irrelevant since I aim to go most days; for the summer, it appears I will be wearing eau’ de la pool.I see the same faces everyday bobbing around the slow lane, but I stick to the middle lane, marking my territory with an angry stare at anyone that attempts to join me. Last week a father and daughter team came into ‘MY’ lane, I grumbled when they attached swim caps, and nose plugs…these were ‘hardcore’ swimmers. It is hard to know where to look as someone comes striding towards you, sandwiched into tighty whitey speedos; then comes the awkward moment when they sit on the edge of the pool and you coming swimming towards the shallow end, face to face with a middle aged man’s crotch winking back at you! As I gently paddled around ‘MY’ lane, the father and daughter duo were bursting up and down the lane, giving thumbs up, and timing each other.The water thrashed in my face, and I could feel their glares when forced to overtake me; I gave up, and with my tail between my legs, I was forced into the slow lane. They may have won the lane, but I would be back!

Saturday I went to ‘Parklife’ festival in Manchester, and along with the amazing weather I had promised myself to get majorly drunk. My plan hatched a few days before whilst still in Leeds; I hacked ‘Jelly Babies’ to pieces, then shoved their dismembered body parts into a bottle of vodka. As if the torture wasn’t enough, I then took the dead babies and boiled them in a water bath to get the full flavour, and there you have it….Jelly Baby Vodka. On Friday, armed with yet ANOTHER suitcase I returned to Chester, excited for the next day’s frivolity and the summer ahead. Saturday morning came and my friend Yaz drove us to ‘Parklife’ in Manchester; I thought that 10am was a perfect time to start drinking, unfortunately me, vodka, a hot car, a stop at KFC, and a sat-nav will never go well together. It all went downhill after the drive-thru; we drove around Moss Side with the car doors firmly locked, and juggling a KFC. I attempted to dip chips in BBQ sauce then feed them to Yaz as she drove, she slammed on her brakes and the sticky orangey syrup of Fanta flew down my leg……..did I get any sympathy, NO! I don’t actually remember getting into the festival, but I am informed that I did finish the entire bottle of vodka. My friends tried to sober me up by force feeding me a sausage roll, but I do remember people trying to push in; I countered this by elbowing a woman in the breast, and refusing to let and angry group of Irish people push past me. I gripped both sides of the barriers and arched my back to make myself look bigger, like a pufferfish attempting to scare them away;  in my head I was drunkenly doing Irish impressions, but thought best not to share this with them. The hours between about 3pm and 7 are a blur, but I did nearly get into a fight with a girl when she realised I had spent the last 45 minutes queueing for the girls toilets; instead of telling me, she simply tried to push infront……after that: SCENE MISSING.There was a good group of us there, and I made friends with some of Amy’s uni friends, like a limpet I latched onto them, as everyone else seemed to have done a runner from me. I spent most of the day queuing, or wandering around looking for the silent disco, which to this day remains allusive; however my personal highlight was seeing two people I had only just met sniffing some kind of drug off a key, apologising to me, then offering me some. I politely declined saying that Jelly Baby Vodka is as lethal as I go, and it is probably worse than whatever they were sniffing.

Today the sun is optimistically shining, so it might be time to strip off and get my baps out for the lads. Touch wood I have managed to avoid my usual mass sunburn, and at ‘Parklife’ cleverly slapped on a bit of the old SPF; gone are the days when our mum would smear us with factor 50, resembling the costistency of lard. It would never ever rub in, so we would spend the day like a sand magnet, and looking like Casper. The only time I ever sunbathe in our garden is when my Mum isn’t here, which is good because she is in Spain. Me and my brother have been left to fend for ourselves amongst the mounting dishes, and lack of cutlery; we are nearly at the awkward stage when you have to use plates/bowls/cutlery that your barely knew existed, let alone had seen before. We have been left money for essentials, but the note left for us has in big letters “Don’t buy any crap,” and the ever mother-like “I would like to see some change.” Chester has finally got a Pizza Hut delivery so we have been left money for that; I hope to counter the effects by having it on a day when I’ve gone to the gym, and can cancel out the whole days calories I am sure to consume.

That pretty much brings me up to date, job hunting, sat in a purple room, and writing my blog. You can truly tell Summer is here when the light in your room attracts bugs and  it is too hot to close the window. Last night I stared up at the tiny black dots dancing around on the ceiling, seduced by a simple 20p lightbulb. I am severely tempted to turn my computer into a bug zapper, as I am sick of mosquitoes thinking that the cast of ‘The Inbetweeners’ faces are a good place to take a rest and interrupt my night time viewing. This morning I was woken up at 4am by some kind of bird scrambling at my window, I could see the large black outline through my pale purple curtains which flooded light in; I had visions of it prying the window open, flying in and pecking at my face like the film ‘The Birds.’ Hopefully by tomorrow the ‘crow'(which I have imagined it is) will have learnt some manners, and will return at a more suitable time.


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