Now I know it’s not polite to laugh at other’s misfortune but this rendition of “Touch My Body” is worth an honourable mention; my favourite lines are “I know you love my cock,” “Rape me in my thighs,”and”You won, wanna go Norway.” He just about about beats the video of someone singing “I can’t live,” with the words “Ken Lee.” The foreign charts must be entirely comprised of Mariah Carey, damn her tricky lyrics; but I applaud them and say keep it coming, it makes YouTube a better place.
Yet again my ethics slipped further down my to-do list as I replaced it with the film “Gamer,” a world in which you can pay to control people, or get paid to be controlled in a real life complex called society. Think of “The Sims”, but with more graphic sex, and more internet paedophiles. If I was EA games I would be seriously angry at Gamer for ripping me off, and demand some simoleons to help me develop “The Sims Serial Killer expansion pack.” The film takes the concept one step further, putting death row convicts into a real life Call of Duty style game; survive 30 games, you go free. It is much like the film death race: big guns, big men, big boobs; I almost lost myself in the sea of flailing limbs and blood.Now, this film isn’t going to win any awards but it certainly puts your life into perspective; what would it be like to be a puppet at someone’s disposal? To have no control over your actions, what you say, what you do, in retrospect, to be a Sim? I’m pretty sure having my genitalia pixilated when I go to the toilet wouldn’t be a pleasant experience.
My two weeks of isolation are nearing their end, my fortress of solitude will soon be invaded by the pitter patter of student feet, and an increase to volume of mess. I have to admit I don’t think I would last long as a batchelor, pretty soon I would contract a deadly disease, or turn a shotgun on myself. So it is time to let down my Rapunzel hair and let them climb inside to my rescue. Unfortunately the return of housemates means the departure of my batcheloresque lifestyle; I dread to think how many bin bags of rubbish I have accumulated, or how long it will take me to wash all the dishes. But c’est la vie, time to man up and become a “Desperate Housewife,” pull out the apron and tie the strings behind my back. Yes that is me in a pink apron, however it was purely for the purposes of the school play; there is an image of me dressed as a french maid floating around, but I thought it was too shocking for your gentle minds. On the spring clean front I finally found the desire to wash my towel, just in time, before it sprouted legs and leapt out of my skylight. It now hangs limp and defeated from a coathanger, drying in the afternoon sun.
An update now from earlier in the week, I forgot to do my rave review of “Heston’s Fairytale Feast,” the egg headed chef didn’t fail to enchant on every level. Snow white, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, Jack and the Beanstalk; all reinvented by the Willy Wonka of the cookery world. Perhaps most shocking was his starter of……….CHICKEN TESTICLES, an apparent delicacy in France; well they can keep it, I still wasn’t convinced to try the recipe myself. My eyes nearly popped out of their stalks at the size of those beasts, this was then followed by many sexual innuendoes from the guests about balls in the mouth; I like to see Channel 4 uses guests on the same wavelength as me. I conjured up images of what it would be like to eat these once in a lifetime meals, stolen from history, or even to eat at the fat duck restaurant, well one can dream. His grand finale was a shed sized gingerbread house, complete with edible windows, edible drainpipes, and an edible doormat (I hope they managed to eat it before going inside.) The guests were like real children in a candy shop; you could see the childlike glint in Faye Ripley’s eyes as she gnawed through the roof support, and Hardeep Singh Koli, as he smashed the boiled sweet window with menace.
Another day filled with nonsense and triviality, maybe tomorrow will be the day I put mind to keyboard and bash this bad boy essay out. But for now I am looking forward to an evening of Facejacker …… review to follow